Mould of my womb, result of my own doing, my little prince or princess you are my perfect stranger. It was the Creator’s will that your father and I engage in a bit of bedroom bliss while He scattered your seed in your father’s erection and he in my womanhood, creating in you the tie that binds, the link that locks our rapport. You will come… in a form and size unbeknown to me in the interim. You will be the infantile reflection of the one and the same- me. I see you in the mirror and I see you through the man I want to see as your father. You are my unborn self. You will come from me, made of me, made by me; you are me, a soon-to-be-born version of me.
Someone else reading this will wonder where I get off talking about you like this when I’ve never felt what it’s like to be in maternity. She will dwell on her condemnatory dogma as I try to make sense of it as well. My imagination has never failed me before, why should it start now? When I can hear your lil’ heart beat right next to mine and the pitter- patter of your feet! Everything that had died in me comes alive inside me in the shape of you, my bundle of unexpressed joy.
How honored I am that you chose me to carry out this nifty task of giving birth to you. So I hear that being a parent changes the course of one’s life. The day I give birth, I will start believing in such miracles. If the little thing that you will be will be capable of the biggest blunders as it has been with me, then you better have a lot of time in your hands to sit and read the rest of the memoir I will compile for you documenting the do’s and don’ts even though I want you to make your own mistakes, because you need to change the course of your life before it ruins who you become (given you take on mommy’s traits).I do promise though, that despite my deplorable ways, I will be the best mother you could’ve ever wished for. I put that on everything. I want you to choose me and if you ever have another choice, to choose me again and again.
I am imagining my self on a recliner as we speak. My plumpness may hide the enormousity of you inside of me and I will probably complain about how fat you will have made me to your daddy. I will probably make it an excuse to eat for two but it is not the size that will be documented, it is the truly beautiful experience of having known I was the host of such perfection that will come out of you.
There are a number of scenarios that set a couple on that road in pursuit of ultimate marital happiness and that is to conceive. It’s okay my angel, I know this is all too much for you to understand now, but someday, when you’re grown like mommy and daddy, and need to ask God to drop you your own lil’ babies from heaven, you will understand why mommy is overwhelmed at just the thought of you and your cute small face.
I cannot wait for our lil’ shopping sprees whether we go shopping for your first toy or clothes or Barbie and dancing or karate lessons, I just want the world to see you in my arms or next to me and I want to see the world and myself grin through your lil’ eyes when a stranger says: “She has your eyes and lips”. I can not wait til we get besotted with each other and make daddy so jealous! I want to know that I am coming home to extra hugs and wet kisses everyday and a grilling with the questions you will have as you come to realize that babies don’t do like rain drops from the Lord. I’m actually looking forward to that my pumpkin.
My nunu, I cannot contain myself. The very thought of this brings tears to my eyes. I will never let you see me like that though, because I want you to learn from as early an age as possible that I come with a smile plastered to my face and plan to die with one on. If at any point you make mommy angry, God will not be pleased with you and its not good to have God mad at lil’ children. So you understand right? Mommy needs to constantly be smiling.
Sthandwa se Nhliziyo yami, I speak to and with you in this memoir I have decided to keep for you. As I write this, I have no clue who you will be, what will become of you, whose personality you might take on or whose features you will carry strongly- what I know for sure is that somewhere, somehow in your little self will be a lot of me…
When you are all grown I will read you this letter to let you know how excited I was to plan for you.
Until your daddy and I meet, I’ll keep imagining you, I can’t wait to meet you Lunga Juniour!