I’m having a pause moment, I’ve stopped, taking a breath! And analysing Lunga.
I tried, I struggled, I cried, I smiled, I’ve been happy, I’ve had my weakest moments, I’ve had my darkest days!…. And I’ve had my orgasm days! These past months my emotions have been nowhere but in a rolercoster!
Too many things involved in my life – and here I thought I’d cut all the clutter from previous years! Physically yes, I’ve kicked out the toxic people! but I’m still carrying some baggage inside me and it is becoming heavier and heavier with each trouble/worry/misunderstanding I come across!
I feel weak! No that’s an understatement. I feel NUMB! Lost feelings, I feel not hurt sometimes, I cry dry tears! I yell at myself for ever allowing ME to feel that way! Lunga you supposed to love yourself soo much you shouldn’t be experiencing this. I feel invisible some days! Do I BiPolar?
I’m tired, damn I’m exhausted! I’m tired of being too much of a friend I can’t be my own friend anymore. I miss Lunga! The free spirited, never mind, bubbly, out spoken for ever laughing kid! Is this part supposed to be “growing up”??? What went wrong. How did I end up like this – is it because I gave out too much of myself to people I forgot I needed my own attention?
I’ve allowed people to get into my life! And let them do as they please, and I would wrap it up with “its fine” tick!!! heck I’m gatvol! I’m fed up understanding. I’m sick to the core of my stomach to hear Lunga I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, Lunga I didn’t realise it made you feel that way, I’m sorry!
I don’t know how many times I get upset in a day, and I never tell people that the things they did actually hurt me! Maybe I have too much baggage inside me, I need to seek help to offload! Maybe I need anger Management . A normal person shouldn’t be like this, correct?
How did I let myself stay in such a dark place! Why did I allow my precious Lunga suffer alone like this. It hurts, its heavy, its deeper than what meets my smile and my conversations! Its a wound that is taking forever to heal.
Some days I feel complete, at peace and calm. Ignoring things makes it easy some days! Other days I’ll stay on the phone for hours with friends in tears, crying my eyes out trying to explain how hurt I feel! When I feel upset I let my feelings do as they please. My mind will end up playing tricks on me.
Its too much! Its enough! These days I find it easier to confide in a stranger than close people, I don’t want to destroy the good I’m still left with! I want Lunga, the real one back! Gosh the watchers are not making it easy too…. I wish to be left alone! Let me deal with me first and I’ll deal with the rest later – its only fair that way. Fighting me now, screaming @ me, not talking to me aint going to fix it!
Dear past, leave me alone. Our race is done, old friends: I guess it was for a season or a reason and definitely not a lifetime. Dear anonymous: please introduce yourself to me, I’m not as bad as I look I promise – enough with the private calls! Dear present: let’s make it work.
I’m done here!
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